Amy’s Dad Dilemma – What Would YOU Do? P.2

Hey everyone! Let’s take a trip down memory lane. Some of you may remember my good friend Amy and her summer dilemma regarding her father (read Amy’s Summer Dilemma – What Would YOU Do?).

To sum it up, Amy had a situation with her father during the summer and in the end, she decided it would be best to not visit him when the summer was over. Well, Amy needs our help once again.

After the situation occurred during the summer, Amy decided to write her father a letter in order to express her feelings to him.

At first, Amy’s attempted letters were ruthless attacks, offensive just me when i finish a letter at 3 amlanguage and resulted in lots of tears. Amy then changed her mind about writing a letter since she was expressing too much negativity. But then one night, she had a sudden inspiration.

She wrote a two page letter to her father.

The letter took her a total of 3 hours to finish.

After writing the letter and mailing it, Amy’s dad called to speak with her sister, Sarah. After the conversation, Sarah informed Amy that their father said he had not opened Amy’s letter, nor did he plan to.dear music i will never be able to thank you enough for always being there for me

Amy felt like an idiot for convincing herself that her time and effort spent writing this letter was going to pay off. She wanted to express herself in a peaceful manner, letting him know how she had felt and that she loved him.

But now, she felt even more upset.

After weeks went by, Amy was able to brush it off and focus solely on her summer camps and song writing.

The summer ended and the new school year began. Amy began conversing with her stepmother. One day, her stepmom called to share the big news.

its a girlAmy was going to be a big sister.

At first she was extremely excited and started mentally planning out the baby shower, the cute little outfits she could save up to get for her little sister. And then it hit her like a bus.

How was she going to see the baby, and help with the shower, if she and her father weren’t speaking?

After coming to this realization, Amy found it hard to be excited about the new baby. She decided not to worry about it too much and figured this situation with her dad wouldn’t drag on forever. Eventually, everything would be okay.

Well, months went by.

i try to act like it doesn't bother me but my dad not caring makes me more upset than i like to admitOne evening, Amy volunteered at Sarah’s concert. And Amy’s father attended. When he approached the entrance way with Amy’s stepmom, Amy felt her dad didn’t acknowledge her and so Amy didn’t acknowledge him either. Her stepmom was happy to see her and expressed that.

After some time went by (they had to wait outside for a period of time since the concert was already in progress)…

“So, you’re not going to say hello?” Amy’s father was now interested in speaking with her and insisted on doing so, but Amy was in the middle of working at the entrance way.  It was not a good time to talk, Amy needed to stay focused and she expressed that.

Since that evening, Amy has felt confused. Why would she be the one to initiate conversation after not hearing from him?  Now she was ten times more confused.

when people treat you like they don't care, beleive themAmy has asked many of us for advice and the responses are typically, “He’s your dad.”

Amy couldn’t take it anymore and recently, she lost it.

“My dad? Of course he’s my dad, but has he raised me? Does he support my dreams or does he only care about himself? He has been to only 3 out of my 13 performances, and 1 out of the 5 concerts! And it’s not like he was out of town for all of them. He doesn’t even know me! I’ll bet if I asked him what my favorite color is, he wouldn’t know the answer. I’ll bet if he asked what I wanted from Starbucks and I said “the usual” he wouldn’t come back with the right drink. All he’s ever done is told me what I’m doing wrong and who the heck is he to talk?! But you know what, it’s okay. We have to learn from our mistakes, right? And now I know how NOT to treat a kid.”having kids doesn't make you a father raising them does

Amy is going through a really rough patch right now. She feels like her dad doesn’t care, that he never has.

Her letter was a way to get him to listen to her – without him yelling at her – in hopes to validate her feelings and understand why she wasn’t ready to visit.

As much as my friend pretends that she is fine, it’s easy to tell that she’s not okay. She’s hurting.

I know in time this experience will make her much stronger. But right now, she’s not there yet. She needs encouragement and words of wisdom.

If you were in Amy’s situation, what would YOU do?  Do you have any suggestions or words of advice? Please share in the comments below, I know she would really appreciate it!

Until next time!

~Rina Raj

 

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10 thoughts on “Amy’s Dad Dilemma – What Would YOU Do? P.2

  1. If I was in Amy’s position, I would have made the effort to go over to my dad’s house and explain to him how I feel. Amy should explain to her dad about her disappointment she has towards him. The lack of communication and just bottling up the feelings will seriously cause her stress and maybe even depression. By expressing herself and explaining her feelings she could solve the problem and maybe find a solution for what’s best.

    “If you’re trying to achieve, there will be roadblocks. I’ve had them; everybody has had them. But obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.”
    – Michael Jordan

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    1. Thank you for the comment! I’m sure that the thought of doing so has crossed Amy’s mind, but all in all, she’s terrified of being yelled at and not heard out. However, I’m sure Amy will appreciate the advice. 🙂

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  2. Hello Amy. Congrats on (almost ) becoming a big sister. Sorry that the situation with your father has not been resolved. It saddens me that a parent can be so careless with their child’s feelings and overall social /emotional development. I would love to know the answer as to why your father did not bother to open the letter, but sadly there are some obvious unspoken answers. It’s telling that deep down he doesn’t want to face the possible truths /hurt that awaits him inside the letter. It’s easier to blame and point fingers so we don’t have to face the reality of our shortcomings. Sometimes when we feel guilty about something we’ve done wrong, we behave in strange ways too (opposite to what we feel ). I don’t know this father’s side of the story so I don’t want to assume anything. So here is what I see as your some of your possible options to the situation.

    1. Sometimes you have to let people go who clearly don’t show that they want to be a part of your life …. this is a very difficult thing to do with some tough consequences. I would be reluctant to recommend this one particularly with a parent/family.

    2. Live your life, find happiness in the others that surround you and wait for him to come around. (My advice from the previous post).

    3. This is the one I would recommend, but again do what feels right for you. Since he did attempt to approach you at the concert but it was not a good time for you, now the ball is in your court. If you do nothing to in turn reach out that would be telling too (you’re still hurt, but likely he may not /will not want to see that and instead point fingers and place blame ). He may come to his own assumptions that “Oh well, clearly she doesn’t care or doesn’t want to talk “. I think since he opened the door to “talking ” you should atleast make an attempt to engage . Keep in mind you may not get the resolution you seek depending on how open he is to receive and acknowledge your feelings. But for the sake of a continuing an civil relationship for your own peace of mind as well as in hopes to build a positive relationship with your new sibling, i would at least engage. Since he clearly did not open your letter, he’s just not ready to face those things right now honey. I’m sorry because i understand how it hurts. You just can’t make people see who don’t want to. People will see what they want and sometimes only listen to provide a counter attack! Engage conversation surrounding a positive loaded topic, congratulate him on new baby, etc. I wouldn’t gloss over your hurt feelings however because you don’t want to show that your feelings don’t matter and he can treat you so carelessly. You can express that you are hurt but wanting to salvage a relationship with him.

    It’s great that you can have a positive relationship with your stepmother. Continue to nurture that. Despite your hurt feelings, you’re going to go on and be ok. You appear to be a very mature and strong person! Know that you’re responsible for your happiness! It’s a long dark wait for people to come around. ….don’t do that to yourself. Let them come on their own time but don’t lose or sacrifice your peace and happiness in the meantime!

    Lots of luck sweetie!

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  3. I wanted to tell to relay this message to your friend Amy. She is an absolutely amazing person. Yes everyone will say the he’s your dad so you should talk to him. But you know what each and everyone of those persons would do the same thing Amy did and feel the same way Amy feels. So I’m not going to tell your friend Amy to talk to her dad, I’m going to tell Amy you do what makes you happy, you be the person that you want to be. You don’t have to stoop to no one’s level. Forgive him for his ignorance and stupidity but don’t forget it. Use the anger and loneliness to better yourself and your music. When Amy ready she will try again but until then don’t cry those pretty eyes over spilled milk.

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  4. So, a friend of mine has had issues with his parents. His grandparents ended up raising him because he was “too hard to handle”. He grew up wanting to be loved by his separated parents and new step parents, but it never seemed to work out. Eventually he realized that people will either invest in you or not. Not necessarily with money, but with talking to you or seeing your plays/performances/games or by taking you to where you need to go. He got bitter because his grandparents were the only people investing. He still wanted a relationship though. His grandmother always has good advice, and this time she told him that if he wants a relationship, he needs to initiate, because the only thing he can control is himself. He had to let all the bitterness aside and do casual talk…where all you say is hi and how’s it going and ok, well have a nice day. He’s 32 now and his dad said he loved him on the phone…casually, of course, in a Thanksgiving phone call.

    I agree with Grandma and I have some other things to add, cause I have had my share of parent issues. Some people are better at investing than others, even if they really want to, so sometimes we have to take what we can get, provided things aren’t toxic. I personally know that my mom is really bad at investing, partially because her mom didn’t invest in her. I made a choice once to “be nice” to her after a HUGE fight solely because I thought I needed to be there for my siblings. That turned out to be the best decision for me and them, even if my mom was still a poor investor.

    My advice is to put out there the desire to have a relationship. Know that it is always on your terms, but that you will likely have to adjust some of your terms in the beginning so that you can both get over being hurt. Yes, he is hurt. Is too. Being a parent, I’ve said his exact words of, “so your not going to say hi”. I honestly didn’t read part 1 about the fight, but you don’t know if he ever read the letter or ever will. And I can’t tell you if he will ever invest in you by going to your events or finding out your favorite color. But if you want it to happen at all, you need to put the opportunity out there. Keep things casual. My friend’s parents still don’t invest in him the way he wants, but he has what’s available. Good luck and lots of bug hugz. 🙂

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  5. I hope Amy is okay. She really is going through a tough time but tell her that I suggest ignoring him. Everything will be okay one day ❤️

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    1. Thank you for the comment! Amy herself is relentless in justifying the fact that she’s fine and she’s okay, but anyone that’s close to her can tell she really isn’t. Ignoring him is kind of what she’s been doing for the past 7 months, and as far as I know, she doesn’t plan on changing that very soon. Thank you for the advice, I’m sure Amy will appreciate it 🙂

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